Introduction
Today, I wanted to discuss my journey away from Evangelical Christianity. I’ve briefly touched on the more recent parts several times, but I don’t believe I have truly gone in-depth. This next series of blog posts will explore my perceptions on why I had to leave the faith. Both for my own mental well-being, and also my acute sense of moral indignation at some of the things that have developed within the church.
I wanted to take a moment before I begin to explain that I had great teachers and mentors within the church. I do believe that my good experiences come from a conformist mindset. I do look back on those times with a certain amount of shame for not speaking out against these things, but it’s part of the process of growing up.
End Times Theology
While I cannot claim to have experienced much trauma within the church, end-times theology most certainly affected me deeply and continues to affect my day-to-day mental processes even now.
End times theology is the idea that the world is on the brink of the apocalypse. Part of that belief is that Jesus was coming to pour his wrath on all of the unbelievers. It is believed by the majority of Evangelical Christians that it is coming very soon or at “any moment.” Because of this, you can’t let your faith falter for even a second, because that is when God could sound the trumpets and you’ll get left behind with all of the other godless heathens to be tortured for an indeterminate amount of time.
There are conflicting views on what it is going to look like or when it is going to happen. The “how” is irrelevant, however, because all end times theologies are inherently revenge fantasies against perceived enemies.
What is relevant for this blog is how it shaped my view of the world and how it continues to haunt me even after I left the religion.
A Traumatizing Church Video
When I was a child, I vividly remember a time when our pastor showed the congregation a “Left Behind” skit about the rapture. It took place in the middle of a sermon. It might’ve been our church that did the video skit, but I cannot remember. In the video, there was a flash of light, and suddenly, most of the congregation was gone. Only a few people were left behind. There was a low rumbling earthquake as the remaining folks got on their knees and started crying and begging for forgiveness from God. Now, writing it on paper doesn’t make it sound so scary, but I assure you that I was terrified.
That was not the worst part that I remember, however. Obviously, that alone was enough to send my child brain into a free-fall, because the unspoken thing was “going to church and being a Christian may not save you from the apocalypse.” What the worst part was is I remember many members of the congregation laughing like it was some funny comedy sketch.
I can still experience my own terror at how callous the congregation seemed in that moment. I could not believe that they were laughing at those who were doomed to live through the apocalypse. “Why are we not sad and horrified for them?” was my chief thought.
Of course the next logical conclusion is that I may be doomed too if I wasn’t faithful enough to Jesus.
When I dwell on this memory, I think that was the moment I started to realize that being Christian does not automatically make one a moral individual. Now obviously, it was not so clear-cut as that, but it was the moment that sparked my slowly growing distrust of my fellow Christians.
Obsession With The End
That video was the most clear memory I have of this time, but there were individuals close to me that had an obsession with trying to understand the End Times prophecies in Revelation and Daniel. For years I was exposed to end times theologies, that fire of fear constantly fed.
I joined in that fascination periodically, but doing so sent me into intense internal panic attacks. It eroded many things in my life internally. I can’t even watch post-apocalypse or natural disaster movies without having an intense anxiety attack. That’s not the worst consequence, however.
The Consequence
This constant and consistent exposure to end times theology is what I think developed my tendency for self-destructive nihilism. I routinely had the thoughts of “well, if the end is coming soon, why go to college? Why date anyone? Why have children? Why develop hobbies? Why Care?” I still have these thoughts constantly, and I have to battle them each day. Sometimes those thoughts are quiet, almost inaudible. Sometimes they are so loud that I am crushed by their weight.
The pointlessness of living was injected into my being during these formative years and it did not come from an absence of belief in God, it came from an incredibly devoted faith in the fact that God was coming, and He was angry.
This laid the foundation that God was not something to be loved, but something to be terrified of. Combine this belief with the possibility of eternal punishment in Hell, what hope did the vast majority of humanity have? The answer is none at all.
I cannot tell you how many times I spent alone at night reciting the sinners prayer because I was absolutely terrified of Hell and of the rapture. I got publicly saved 2-4 times. I constantly “rededicated” my life to Christ in all of those altar calls. Guilt and shame followed me like a dark cloak.
All it amounted to was a constant mental self-flagellation.
Through therapy and distance from Christianity, I have begun the process of healing. I’ve made incredible strides that I am very proud of.
If any family members or old friends find this blog post they will likely be confused, or in denial. I have a tendency to internalize every single thought in my body. I rarely, if ever, share any of my thoughts with anyone. I have always been outwardly highly functioning. However recent years have made that dam burst wide open with existential crises, rampant anxiety, and depression.
Conclusion & Education
I do not know what the current emphasis is in churches anymore regarding end-times. I have not set foot in one for a long time. But it would be beneficial for everyone involved if Christians stopped treating the bible as if it were speaking directly to them. Every book of the bible was written to a specific group of people in a specific period in time. None of those writers had any intention of writing “The Bible.”
More specifically, The Revelation of John was written to a group of people who were actively being persecuted by the Roman authorities. It is a revenge fantasy specifically against the Roman Empire; furthermore, it directly contradicts the ethical teachings preached by Jesus in Luke and Matthew.
Furthermore, The Rapture is nowhere to be found in the bible. It is an interpretative invention made by John Nelson Darby in the 19th century. Even further, The Rapture is something almost exclusively believed by white evangelicals in America.
I believe It’s time for Christians to abandon this toxic theology. It helps no one. It has ruined so many lives and is currently destroying many others.
People are dying in the tens of thousands because of this belief that “we are the generation to see the end times.” It allows people to treat the world as disposable. Our children be damned. It is a caustic view of the human experience. It eats away at every aspect of it.
It is a tale nearly as old as the Christian faith, but it doesn’t have to continue. Please focus on the parts where Jesus tells you to help the marginalized, at least it will teach you how to live and not worry about the end of all things.
Note to Christians
To my estranged brothers, sisters, and siblings in Christ who may or may not find this: I continue my criticisms of Christianity, despite possible personal setbacks, because I still love the religion. If I did not care, I would simply say “go to hell” and wash my hands of this whole ordeal. I was forged by the gospel, and I will carry its ethics of seeking justice for the marginalized with me wherever I go. Even if I don’t believe in its more fantastical elements.
I still love Christianity because it still could be such a powerful force for justice. Unfortunately, Christianity is like an addict. It got a taste of power in 312 CE, and it has been hooked ever since. We are seeing an institution thrash violently with the withdrawal symptoms of losing its political power and moral authority. Slowly being chipped away by its own hubris and hypocrisy.
I hope that when the thrashing stops and the dust settles, a new and better institution will be born. One that actually practices what it preaches. Only time will tell, but I’ll praise the divine if it happens.
Parting Encouragement
Be kind and seek justice wherever it may be found. It is easy to feel alone when the most vile among us are the loudest. Look for like-minded and loving communities in your area that help you remember that you are not alone.
Quote for today:
“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.”
Maggie Kuhn
